Soy-Free, Gluten-Free, Vegan Fake Meat! (Part 1)

Behold: "I Can Believe It's Not Meat, But What the Hell, I'll Still Eat It!"

Living with a vegan can be a difficult thing when you love meat and dairy.  I don't think I could stand giving up things like chocolate, sushi (with fish, not just veg), and cheese.  Poultry would be a tough thing to quit, as well.  My nutritionist agrees that, because of my special dietary requirements, I should not have to give these things up as my need for protein trumps my desire to have less animal products in my diet.  As I always say, if it's something that you need to do... you need to do it! ;)

However, that doesn't mean that I'm not a good flexitarian.  Lately I've been taking to making a "universal" meal for the household that everyone can eat -- it's gluten free, soy free, and vegan -- but then we include extra add-ons in our own individual plates.  It is working out so far!

By the way, last week I watched my first episode of "Dr. Oz" ever, and he said that 20% of the world has trouble digesting gluten!  Ahhh, delicious gluten.  I don't know if I'm in that group or not, but due to my household's needs, the "universal" method seems to be working fine.  I use the vegan food as my side dish, and usually add a big ole hunk of soy or animal flesh to my portion.  Fuzz will eat the vegan food and possibly add extra carbs (which I can't have), such as potatoes or rice with his portion.

Doesn't that look similar to a big plate of nasty raw meat?

I have found several "vegan meat alternatives" online, and here's one that I Frankensteined together based on a number of different recipes.  It looks like ground beef, and is perfect for adding into things like pasta sauce, tacos, chili, shepherd's pie, and other things that require some tasty ground beef-like vibes.  This is a good one if you like that slow-roasted flavor, and if you're fortunate enough to have a gas oven (I'm not), I bet you'll love it even more!


Ingredients:

1 head of cauliflower, trimmed and cut into florets

1 3/4 cups of walnuts

about half a can of beets, drained and chopped

5 ounces of raw mushrooms

1-2 Roma tomatoes, chopped

2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar

Here's ours after about half an hour.  1 more hour to go!

2 tablespoons olive oil

1 teaspoon granulated garlic

1 teaspoon liquid smoke

1/2 teaspoon of your favorite seasoning salt

2 pinches of sage

(Optional: 2-4 tablespoons of rice protein powder to amp up your protein!)

Preheat your oven to 400*.  Chop up your cauliflower and blend it in the food processor until it's very fine in consistency.  Next, chop your mushrooms, tomatoes, and beet.  Add them along with all of your other ingredients into the food processor, and give them a good whirl!  Mix everything together in a big bowl and knead it just like you would with a meat loaf.

Take one big cookie sheet, or in our case, two baking dishes, and fill them up with "meat."  Pop them in the oven and find a way to stay busy while these things cook.  They're going to need somewhere between 45 minutes and an hour and a half to get nice and dark and well-cooked!

Not bad at all! :)

You'll know it's done when it's a darker color, resembling ground meat.  Keep in mind that these crumbles are very loose; ours were not clumpy in any way -- I think they would be awesome if they were more clumpy for things like tacos or whatever, but I was still happy with the loose fine texture.  Pair with your favorite gluten-free pasta & vegan sauce, and you have a dinner that will evoke those good old non-restrictive food days!

School Cafeteria Peanut Butter Bars

Lately I've had a bit of what I like to ca "school lunch nostalgia." One of my most longed-for items has been a simple confnection made of peanut butter and melted chocolate. This was called "peanut butter candy" in my school, though many others referred to this as "peanut butter bars."  You need:

2.5 cups powdered sugar

16-18 oz. peanut butter

1/3 cup sugar (brown, white, whatever)

Pinch of salt

1 stick of butter or margarine

1.5 cups of melted chocolate chips

Mix everything but the chocolate together until it becomes dough-like. (I dump it all into a bowl, microwave for a minute, then  stir like mad.) spread into a 9x13 pan, melt some chocolate, spread over it, and chill until done.

Yum!

A Year of Amazing Cakes!

So far, my friends and I have had a lot to celebrate this year.  Unfortunately, Dax didn't get a cake on her birthday 'cause she was super-sick, so we'll be celebrating her half birthday in August! :)

My birthday cake this year was pretty awesome, though!

That's right... my friends call me Ma'am, and this year

I was wished a "Happy Bunny Birthday!" :)

Our friend, Sadie, had a baby shower last week and she was presented with an amazing cake by her husband Warrior!  It was done by "Cakes by Design Edible Art" in the Boston area.  Check out the little foot poking the pregnant tummy! Dax and I helped plan the shower.  She came up with the idea to get a "belly cake" and I came up with the idea to make it a little more flirty than the traditional matronly cake.  Warrior took care of the rest! :)

And yesterday, Fluffy celebrated a special anniversary all his own.  Fuzz told the bakers to "go crazy with color" and have "something kitty themed."  This is what we got back -- and everyone loved it!

Do keep in mind: this is a cake for a 39-year-old MAN.  LOL!

We aren't even close to being done celebrating this year -- in fact, we still have another 6 months of 2013 and we're still going strong!  I can't wait to see what we decide to come up with next. :)

I Love Kala Namak Black Salt!

Kala namak is also known as "black salt." Usually it comes from India, and is often a pale pinkish or grayish colors.  You can see the picture that I took of my newly purchased black salt... It consists of a strong flavored salt with extra minerals. There is a sulfur flavor in there too, which some may find icky but I love it!

My need for kala namak originated from my desire to make vegan eggs. I usually do tofu scramble, and have my own special blend of seasonings, but last year I learned how to make vegan sunny-side-up eggs (Thanks to "The Airy Way"!) and was informed that the black salt can really add something tasty to this dish.

My search online showed that black salt can be expensive, but Fluffy grabbed me a pack at his local Indian grocery for a mere 99 cents!  It is packaged by Maya Overseas Foods Inc. and seems to be of perfect quality. I'll be making my next vegan egg attempt soon, so watch this space for details! :)

LUSH UltraBalm Review!

I am so in love with LUSH products!  Recently I've made a few new purchases, but my beloved UltraBalm is currently almost gone!  So I wanted to review it while the memory is still fresh. ;)

I never purchased a full-sized container of it; this is actually a sample size from the LUSH store.  It was fabulous when I first got it -- a soft, buttery blob of moisturizing goodness. The scent was... Well, scent less! But I kept it with my other LUSH stuff and it seemed to have absorbed the scent of my "You Snap the Whip" buffer. So, be careful where you stash this one!

Overall, I would give this product a good solid B+ and would be willing to purchase it in the future. It's great for lips, elbows, heels, wherever is really dry and in need of a little extra TLC. 

HoodieGate's Happy Ending

Did I ever tell you that my cool-ass BFF Dax has an Etsy store?  It's true!  Most of her stuff centers around the more perky side of life... bibs & adorable stuff for babies of all genders, which she's really good at making; she's also got some wheels turning for other cute things in the future.  (I may even be able to make a case for catering to the darkling demographic!)  Dax has an eye for the kawaii-est fabrics on Earth, and her search for them has spanned several continents!  (Well, two continents -- but still, she came back with some good stuff.)  I did talk her into making a sleep mask that said "FUCK OFF", as I saw one on Shameless, fell in looooove with it, and I just know other people will want one!  The one that she made was a sparkly pretty pink instead of a bad-ass black... with the words in a fancy cursive, which somehow made it even cooler.  I love the idea of an offensive text written in script on something pink and girly!  She and I have different styles, but there are lots of places where our interests overlap.  I think that makes a much more interesting friendship!

However... not all differences between friends are going to turn out great.  For example:  A few months ago, my friend Fluffy was popping some laundry into my washing machine, and instead of hanging my magical hoodie to dry, he scrunched it up and put it on my "nest," which caused an apartment-wide hunt for the missing hoodie.  When it didn't turn up (because everything in my apartment is black, making it a very challenging search!), I was pretty effing devastated.  It's hard to find a summer-weight hoodie that's at least 30 inches long.  If a big girl is wearing stretchy yoga pants (or leggings!), then trust me, you want a CTB (Camel Toe Barrier) at the ready!  And with all of the bustle and activity that I have planned for these warm sunny months -- visits to my adopted local family, physical therapy, doctor's appointments, and possibly pool-based workouts on the reg at the Y, I am going to NEED a lighter hoodie to see me through all of these trips out of the house.

Everyone tried to console my broken heart, and believe me, it was BROKEN!  Fluffy placed an order to Junonia in an effort to help me move on with my life, but alas, it wasn't the same!  Dax combed the final-days clearance rack at Fashion Bug (home of the original hoodie), but alas, lime green was all they had in stock!  Even my man, Fuzz, combed the internet, searching valiantly for a good replacement.  What we found was this -- the "tag-free hooded lounger" from Woman Within...  It is long enough to go down to my ankles, but still nice and roomy for all my layers... he thought maybe we can have it redone.   "Let's try it," Fuzz said, reassuringly.  "We'll get the old ladies to fix it up good!"  (His tailors are old ladies... he calls them "the old ladies.")  The nightie came in the mail, and it does look like it can easily be converted.  We can cut it up, slice the middle, and plant the zipper.  Plus, I got an enormous one, so it will be nice and big.  What we'll do with the leftover fabric, I've yet to determine!

I was telling Dax about my idea, and she offered to help in order to give it a personal touch that the old ladies could not.  She suggested that I buy a YKK zipper, since they're the best.  And it's true... those are the kind you see on jeans and higher-quality garments.  Fun fact:  When I was a kid, I thought it said "KKK," but it actually doesn't.  My old hoodie measured about 30 inches, but since I'm having it my way like Burger King, I'm going to try to get something maybe 33' or 34'.  I want that thing down to my knees!

It's hard to find YKK zippers in very special lengths, I've found.  The ones I've seen are like $12 dollars or more for a metal-teethed one -- which isn't too bad, considering I'll be having this thing for years! But I want to make sure it's going to work out.  I just found this one on Amazon for $6something, plus shipping, which sounds all right to me.  I think 32" will work out fine.  I'm super excited!

By the way, you know you're (a) loved, (b) feared, or (c) owed a ton of favors... when you have that many people trying to soothe your broken heart over a hoodie. I like to think it's a combination of all 3. ;)  It's true that I have some weird connections to my clothes, but it's really nice that people are so understanding about it!  I'll be letting you know how the new one turns out!

Bath & Body Works Haul! :)

Well, it's been awhile since I've posted!  (Notice how all of my most recent posts seem to have that in common?)  I have been crazy busy over the past few months.  Lately I've been immersing myself in so many new projects that I haven't been as crafty as usual.

However, I've decided to start also doing product reviews more often, since that way I can still touch base with all of you, and share tales of my amazing adventures! :)

My latest and greatest in the world of mail-order has been a purchase at Bath & Body Works.  I have never actually bought anything from B&BW, but my friend Dax loves their antibacterial hand soaps. They go on sale quite frequently, and this time they were going 6 for $20, so I figured I'd give 'em a whirl.  My plan was to keep a few and share some with her.  Don't they look lovely?

I kept the Italian Lavender, Fresh-Picked Herbs, and Bella Flora.  She received the Sweet Pea, Fresh-Picked First Blooms, and Aqua Flora.  The lavender has a lovely light scent, more sweet than medicinal.  (Frankly I love medicine-y lavender and I like it strong!  But this will be nice for the kitchen or bathroom.)  Fresh-Picked Herbs hasn't been opened yet and used on my hands, but a whiff of the bottle is pleasant and green, with a mostly mint vibe.  I haven't even opened the Bella Flora yet.

However, I also bought myself (not pictured!) a 10 fl. oz bottle of Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin shower gel, along with an 8-fl.oz body splash spray in the same scent.  Strangely enough, the two present so differently!  The shower gel is spicy and pumpkininny (thanks, Mr. Show!), whereas the splash doesn't seem to have as much pumpkin power.  There's definitely cinnamon and vanilla-like sweetness, almost like an apple pie, but also I detect a deep musky note as well.  It's not a bad fragrance at all.  The sillage is good and few sprays lasts a nice long time.  I like putting it in my hair and a halo of fragrance all around me for hours!  The best part was the price: The full-sized shower gel was a measly $4.75 on clearance, and the big bottle of scent was just $5.25.  I guess this is because it's last year's fall lineup, but it's great to enjoy such a fab scent in the middle of summer -- and dreaming of those pumpkin picking days to come! :)  So if you're a pumpkin lover like me, get thee to the Bath & Body Works website and grab some pumpkin goodness! :)

Also, I want to mention that the lining of the B&BW shipping box was super cute.  So of course, being the box-hoarder that I am, I couldn't just toss it.  I HAD to use it, because hey, free box!  Instead, I have turned it inside out and taped the box back together, so now it's gracing my bedroom bookshelf in all of its gingham glory:

I may try placing it on a shorter shelf so that it's more like a drawer type thing instead of just a pretty box.  In fact, I'm enjoying the box so much that I might just wait 'til fall and buy some more B&BW to share with Dax (or purchase early for Christmas!) and see if they have a sexy fall-themed box liner for me to enjoy heartily. :)

I'm Making My Own Extracts & You Can Too!

I've had a big bottle of cheapo vodka burning a hole in my cabinets for quite some time now!  My plan was to (a) make my own extracts, (b) make my own essential oils, and (c) make my own perfume.  I've had perfume-related fails before, as you may know, so I'm still trying to figure out how I want to do that.

Months ago, I bought some dried juniper berries which I've been wanting to turn into extract and essential oil, so that's my plan at this point.  Rather than sit around waiting for shit to happen and THEN blog about it, I decided to start now and do this entry in realtime.

Looks like a lot more than it actually is.

I used about an ounce of dried food-grade juniper berries for this little experiment, and about 8 ounces of vodka.  (Yeah, I'm making a lot!  I guess it'll be kind of like fake gin.)  The research I've done suggests using a bottle or jar with dark-colored glass as light can interfere with the integrity of the extract, but I've decided to settle for a family-sized plastic Ragu jar which I'll be keeping away from light.

The juniper berries will be absorbing the alcohol, which will then absorb all of the delicious juniper essence from the berries.  Juniper berries have a somewhat oily consistency on the inside, so they should yield a very nice extract in a relatively short amount of time.  I'll probably keep these marinating for about a week or two.  I may give the berries a good squish after about a week, but when the extract is finished, I will drain it and bottle it.  And don't worry, I won't forget to take pictures! :)

Arrrgh, Matey!

My pirate name is:

Dread Pirate Rackham

Like the famous Dread Pirate Roberts, you have a keen head for how to make a profit. You have the good fortune of having a good name, since Rackham (pronounced RACKem, not rack-ham) is one of the coolest sounding surnames for a pirate. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
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