How to Caramelize Onions in the Crockpot

One of life's biggest pains in the ass is chopping, sweating, and browning onions. The flavor really adds an important element to virtually anything that requires onions. So, we chop and hope for an easier alternative.

I had done some research and found that it is possible to cook, brown, and caramelize onions in the crockpot. When I tried it, the results were excellent! In fact, spending one day babysitting my onions yielded many days worth of tasty, awesome, flavorful brown onions.

Here's all you need: a 5-pound bag of plain old yellow or white onions, a couple of tablespoons of olive oil, and your trusty crockpot. 

Simply peel and chop all of your onions in the desired shape. (Rings for French onion soup, big blobs for stews, or minced if you like an all-purpose easy onion shape.). Put them all into your crockpot and drizzle your olive oil onto the onions. You don't need much! I typically use somewhere between 1 and 2 tablespoons.

Stir them up to coat with the oil, cover, and put your crockpot on "high" for a good long time (about 10 to 12 hours). Halfway through, you can stir them up a little.  Once the onions are done, I cool them overnight before portioning and freezing them. The onions yield a lot of juice, which is great to substitute for water in any savory recipe. About half a cup of "onion sludge"  can be used in place of an onion in your favorite recipe. 

Yes, five pounds of onions take a long time to cook this way.  But at least you can go about your day without having to keep your eyes glued to a skillet!  By the way... Your house will smell murderously delicious and savory while these are cooking away! Be sure to have a good dinner plan to distract you from the seductive aroma!

This week's Graze Box (7/25)

Had some tasty things this week, as well as some drama!

Natural Vanilla Seeds. These were tasty as heck, sunflower and pumpkin seeds with a sweet vanilla glaze. BUT there was a big nasty crack in the container bottom! I ate them anyway, and shared them with my vegan guy.  This is one of my favorite types of snacks because the pieces are tiny and it takes awhile to eat. At 172 calories and only 13g carbs with a nice 4.93g protein, this is one of the better nutritional "values" Graze has to offer. Grade: A+

Tomato Dipinetti. This pummet had a saucy tomato dip with rosemary bread dippers. I was mad at this one!! All the rosemary breads were broken but ONE! The tomato "relish" dip was savory and spicy, and the (sad, broken, pathetic) dippers were still tasty aside from their shameful appearance. 97 cals and 16g carbs make this well worth the drama. Grade: B+

Scrumptious Blueberry Swirl.  This snack boasts a whole serving of fruit. Nice, even though I'm not a massive fan of dried fruit. There were those tasty black currants with blueberry yogurt raisins, and raspberry-flavored cranberries. 157 calories makes this a nice snack, but not if you're watching your carbs! For 30g of carbs, you might be better off saving the carbs -- maybe grab an apple and a cheese stick instead! Grade: C+

Eleanor's Apple Crumble.  This is a better fruit snack choice for carb-watching Grazers, at a friendly 19.9g of carbs.  114 cals is just right, plus you get a nice hit of protein (2g) from the decadent honey-cinnamon almonds. The raisins are a little boring, but I liked the chewy apples so much that I just may investigate drying my own. This is a keeper! Grade: A

This week's Graze box! (7/17)

Hi all! Got some goodies from Graze this week...

First up: My Thai, soy crisps with sweet chili dipping sauce. Holy shit! These were delicious!! At 84 calories and a scant 18 carbs, this pummet hit all my favorite taste points of sweet, hot, salty, and savory. Most people know I am a big fan of sweet chili sauce, so this was divine! Grade: A+

Orange & Ginger Flapjack. I'm just not a flapjack fan, sorry. However, the piece I sampled was very orangey and gingery. So if I was more into flapjacks, this is the one I'd choose. I gave the rest of the pummet to the vegan guy next to me, and he said they were so good he'd wished he could buy them directly from Graze. Also 241 calories is as much as a Lean Cuisine meal, so have to take points off for that. Grade: B-

Summer Pudding. Black currants, cranberries, yogurt sunflower seeds, and spongey cookie bits make a delightful combo.  The spongey bits are rather superfluous IMHO, but damn those sour currants are deeeeeelicious!  137 calories isn't bad for a nice little snack, but I can't always justify 27 carbs no matter how delightfully sour those black currants are! Maybe good for a "sometimes" treat.  Grade: B

Salt & Vinegar Nut Selection.  Oh man, these were yummy. I could have used more vinegary flavor on the mix of almonds and peanuts.  I don't eat peanuts too often, but if I did, this is just how I'd do it.  We've got a scant 8 grams of carbs here, and even though the sodium is a bit high (269), there's also 8g protein in this yummy 200-calorie powerhouse.  Grade: B+

Review: KleanColor Iconic Brow Gel

I usually use my blog to sing the praises of the things I adore. However, today's entry will be different.

Why? Because KleanColor Iconic Brow Gel EFFING SUCKS!!!!!!

It looked pretty good on eBay when I purchased it.  I haven't needed to use a brow gel in many years, as in the past I've kept them adorably overplucked -- and trimmed, since my brows tend to grow long like bunny whiskers.

However, I've been getting my brows waxed lately, so the little silky whiskers are growing longer. Instead of trimming them, I wondered if I could do an eyebrow combover of sorts -- I have scars from eyebrow piercings that aren't too nice looking, so gel seemed like the way to go.

When my KleanColor gel arrived, I thought it looked pretty nice in the tube. And the mirror on the side was uber classy. But when I opened the tube, the handle crumbled into 90 different pieces. There's the clear part of the handle that's a cap for all the little grooming attachments inside. Cool, right? Yeah... If every part of it stayed together. (Note to self: get crazy glue to keep the uncapped handle from falling apart!)

When I opened it, the smell hit me. It was a little bit like postage stamp glue, school cafeteria, vinegar, and ass.  Yech.  If I was putting this stuff on my nose instead of my eyebrows, we'd have a problem!

The applicator wasn't bad. The gel, while stank, did work as advertised without too much stiffness or shine. However, good freaking luck using that "handy" mirror on the side. Thing is so wavy that your eyebrows are gonna look like a damn funhouse unless you grab your compact instead!

I'll give this a D. The stuff does work, but the packaging leaves lots to be desired. And the smell is seriously unpleasant!

I don't think I have ever left such a mean review anywhere, and I am sorry about that. But I just cannot recommend KleanColor Iconic Brow Gel! :((((

This Week's Graze Box! (7/14)

So, here's what I got from Graze this week...

Nacho Libre: Salsa almonds, "cheesy sombreros," and jumbo chili corn. I think this was about 140 calories. It was pretty good, except for the sombreros which seemed kinda stale to me. Grade: B- 

Salsa Fresca: More "cheesy sombreros" and a spicy tomato sauce for dipping. A paltry 51 calories! The sauce was tasty but again, the sombreros taste stale to me. If they'd just give me something else to dip, we'd be all set!!  Grade: B

Summer Berry Compote:  Wholemeal shortbreads which were dense and tasty, with a buttery flavor, coupled with a red berry compote for dipping. It had 114 cals and about 15 carbs, which isn't bad.  While I will give this one a high mark because of the quality, taste, and texture, combined with its efficient nutritional info,  I don't know if I'll put it on my "LOVE" list simply because I'm not ordinarily a short read person.  We'll see, though, I may crave it in the future!  Grade: A

Jaffa Cake: Hazelnuts, dark chocolate buttons, & orange-flavored raisins. YUM! This one was great!  I really like Graze's flavored raisins. They are tiny but pack a huge punch! 208 calories (a bit high because of the nuts) but an impressive 19 carbs which makes this a nice snack. Love it. Grade: A

Review: LUSH Lemony Flutter Cuticle Butter

This product first came to my attention last year. I've always gotten these weirdly rough scrapes and "frayed" dry skin around my fingers. Not exactly on the cuticles themselves, but that area around them. (Some people consider that to be part of the cuticle as well, though.)

At $16 for a small 1.5-ounce container, this stuff is pricey.  I decided to give it a try, though, to reward myself for having an especially good month. :). Then I eagerly waited for it to arrive.

It truly is very similar in texture and color to actual butter -- thick, melts on contact, and very buttery yellow. It has a great lemony fragrance that lingers for awhile after it is applied to the skin.  This is very nice stuff!

I am sure there are probably products that do the same thing for a lower price, but I haven't found anything yet. (And I would welcome a comment or two!) I'll give it a final grade of B+. Pros: Smells pretty, works nice! Cons: Small container is fairly pricey, butter has a greasy afterfeel.

What Does Jicama Taste Like?

Our latest victims!

I've been hearing about jicama for years, but I've never known where to buy one or how to make it.  I have heard comparisons of jicama to other veggies and fruits like turnips, potatoes, apples, squash, and even water chestnuts.

Seeing that Chez Sage has been experimenting with vegan food (and restrictive vegan which is free of gluten and soy!), previously unexplored options are now on the table.  So when I asked Fuzz if he'd grab a jicama from his sojourn to the evil empire (Whole Foods, who still isn't treating their employees very nicely), his response was predictable: "WTF's a jicama, and how do you spell that?"

I explained what a jicama is -- known as a "Mexican turnip" or a "yam bean," it's a root veggie that is found in Mexico originally and is now also cultivated in parts of Asia.  It can be eaten raw or cooked, and many people compare the flavor and texture to raw beans, apples, and pears.

When I first thought of try a jicama in our quest for "grab-ables," all I knew was that jicama was crunchy and looked a little like a celery root (which made me wonder if it was related to celery -- I don't think it is).  Fuzz came back from the store with two jicamas (jicamae?) which he'd said cost about $1.99 a pound.  Not bad!  The next day, I went into the kitchen to peel and chop them.

What a pain in the ass to peel these jokers are.  NO LIE, they're going to make you swear mightily if you're not used to peeling them.  I used a standard veggie peeler, but then when I got to the onion-dome-shaped ends, I got lazy and hacked them off.  They looked pretty sad and gross without their skin, but I persevered.

Left: Big peeled jicama blob. Right: Tasty crunchy chunks.

After halving them, I decided to slice them into chunks and strips.  They look much prettier once they have been chopped, that's for sure.  Turns out that the jicama is pretty tasty raw.  It does have just a hint of sweetness to it, kind of like an apple or pear.  But it's not really that fruity, just a tiny bit of refreshing sweetness.  Jicama is crunchy, and a bit starchy like if a raw potato and a pear had some kind of illicit love-child.  I've heard that jicama is often eaten with salt, lime, and chili.  I can also see putting it in salads or dipping it in hummus or salsa.  There was one webpage that suggested chopping it into pieces and putting it on a fruit or veggie tray because it doesn't brown the way that apples do -- and I'll try that for sure next time I have a party.

Soy-Free, Gluten-Free, Vegan Fake Meat! (Part 1)

Behold: "I Can Believe It's Not Meat, But What the Hell, I'll Still Eat It!"

Living with a vegan can be a difficult thing when you love meat and dairy.  I don't think I could stand giving up things like chocolate, sushi (with fish, not just veg), and cheese.  Poultry would be a tough thing to quit, as well.  My nutritionist agrees that, because of my special dietary requirements, I should not have to give these things up as my need for protein trumps my desire to have less animal products in my diet.  As I always say, if it's something that you need to do... you need to do it! ;)

However, that doesn't mean that I'm not a good flexitarian.  Lately I've been taking to making a "universal" meal for the household that everyone can eat -- it's gluten free, soy free, and vegan -- but then we include extra add-ons in our own individual plates.  It is working out so far!

By the way, last week I watched my first episode of "Dr. Oz" ever, and he said that 20% of the world has trouble digesting gluten!  Ahhh, delicious gluten.  I don't know if I'm in that group or not, but due to my household's needs, the "universal" method seems to be working fine.  I use the vegan food as my side dish, and usually add a big ole hunk of soy or animal flesh to my portion.  Fuzz will eat the vegan food and possibly add extra carbs (which I can't have), such as potatoes or rice with his portion.

Doesn't that look similar to a big plate of nasty raw meat?

I have found several "vegan meat alternatives" online, and here's one that I Frankensteined together based on a number of different recipes.  It looks like ground beef, and is perfect for adding into things like pasta sauce, tacos, chili, shepherd's pie, and other things that require some tasty ground beef-like vibes.  This is a good one if you like that slow-roasted flavor, and if you're fortunate enough to have a gas oven (I'm not), I bet you'll love it even more!


Ingredients:

1 head of cauliflower, trimmed and cut into florets

1 3/4 cups of walnuts

about half a can of beets, drained and chopped

5 ounces of raw mushrooms

1-2 Roma tomatoes, chopped

2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar

Here's ours after about half an hour.  1 more hour to go!

2 tablespoons olive oil

1 teaspoon granulated garlic

1 teaspoon liquid smoke

1/2 teaspoon of your favorite seasoning salt

2 pinches of sage

(Optional: 2-4 tablespoons of rice protein powder to amp up your protein!)

Preheat your oven to 400*.  Chop up your cauliflower and blend it in the food processor until it's very fine in consistency.  Next, chop your mushrooms, tomatoes, and beet.  Add them along with all of your other ingredients into the food processor, and give them a good whirl!  Mix everything together in a big bowl and knead it just like you would with a meat loaf.

Take one big cookie sheet, or in our case, two baking dishes, and fill them up with "meat."  Pop them in the oven and find a way to stay busy while these things cook.  They're going to need somewhere between 45 minutes and an hour and a half to get nice and dark and well-cooked!

Not bad at all! :)

You'll know it's done when it's a darker color, resembling ground meat.  Keep in mind that these crumbles are very loose; ours were not clumpy in any way -- I think they would be awesome if they were more clumpy for things like tacos or whatever, but I was still happy with the loose fine texture.  Pair with your favorite gluten-free pasta & vegan sauce, and you have a dinner that will evoke those good old non-restrictive food days!